PRESIDENT MONKEY IS HAVING SOME
WORK DONE - BE BACK SOON
BACKTRACKING GIULIANI SAYS HE THOUGHT HE WAS CUTTING POWER, NOT RIBBON AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD OPENING
QUEEN GIVES BUSH TIPS ON HOW TO ACT AS POWERLESS FIGURE HEAD
CLEMENS RETURNS TO YANKEES --
SHATTERS MICHAEL JORDAN'S
'FAKE RETIREMENT' RECORD
TENET TELLS 60 MINUTES 'SLAM DUNK'
COMMENT ACTUALLY IN REFERENCE TO WEEKLY CIA PICK-UP GAME
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL SAYS WASHINGTON NATIONALS CAN QUALIFY AS CHARITY ORGANIZATION
SCIENTISTS FIND 'NEW EARTH';
BUSH ADDS PLANET TO AXIS OF EVIL
SIMMONS TO REMOVE 'BAD WORDS' FROM RAP, ALCOHOL FROM LIQUOR
BUSTED! POPE CAUGHT DOING LIMBO AFTER 'DISAVOWING' IT LAST WEEK
AFTER OUTCRY NETWORK AGREES TO STOP AIRING FOOTAGE OF CRAZY MAN
BIRKHEAD ENJOYS FIRST MOMENTS ALONE WITH DANNIELYNN
CRITICS FORCE GOD TO FIRE DON HO
FOR 'EXCESSIVE USE OF 'H' WORD'
R.I.P.
BUSH CONDEMNS INSURGENT ATTACK, LOCAL RUNDOWN TENEMENT
SHARPTON CALLS FOR SANTA'S JOB
AFTER 'HO' CLOCK SURFACES
MATSUZAKA'S GYRO-BALL CLOCKS IN
AT 100 MPH, 650 CALORIES
IMUS DEFENDS LYING DUKE ACCUSER
SAYS SHE'S A 'WELL-COIFED PRUDE'
AL-QAEDA CLAIMS RESPONSIBILITY
FOR 'BOMB' LEFT IN MEN'S BATHROOM
HOWARD K. STERN PREPARES HIS LAST DIAPER BAG FOR DANNIELYNN
IMUS DEFENSE: 'I DIDN'T REALIZE
PEOPLE STILL LISTENED TO MY SHOW'
POPE KICKS OFF EASTER BY
RE-CREATING ANNA NICOLE COLLAPSE
INCREASE IN HOMELESS BEATINGS MAKES SELL OF HOMELESS LIFESTYLE HARDER FOR RECRUITERS
'WE WERE BLINDFOLDED, GAGGED,
& STRIPPED...IT WAS LIKE BEING AT A
DUKE LACROSSE PARTY'
TERRORIST SPONSORED RACE CAR
CAUSES UPROAR
KUCINICH RAISES 72 CENTS, SHIRT BUTTON IN PRIMARY FUNDRAISING
CRITICS SAY BERRY, WILLIS 'MISCAST' IN PERFECT STRANGERS RE-MAKE
IRAN GIVES BRITISH HOSTAGES
'QUEER EYE' MAKE-OVER
HILLARY RAISES $26 MILLION IN FUNDS;
SAYS 'RIGHT-WING CONSPIRACY' KEPT HER FROM $100 MILLION GOAL
IRANIAN TV AIRS BRITISH SOLDIER'S CONFESSION OF ANNA NICOLE KILLING
BLADES OF TORY: BLAIR STANDS UP TO IRAN'S HOSTAGE DEMANDS
RAPPING KARL ROVE SET TO COACH
NEXT WEEK'S AMERICAN IDOL
BOOKS SUMMER TOUR WITH 50 CENT
PSYCHIC JOHN EDWARDS ENDORSES
CANDIDATE JOHN EDWARDS
SENATE VOTES TO MAKE
INSTANT REPLAY PERMANENT
EMBARRASSED BALD EAGLE
FLEES DOJ LOGO
GONZALES SAYS TRUMP RESPONSIBLE
FOR US ATTORNEY FIRINGS
BRITAIN'S ELITE 'NESSIE' FLEET VOWS
TO RESCUE KIDNAPPED SAILORS
HILLARY COUNTERS 80'S APPLE AD
WITH OBAMA 'WHERE'S THE BEEF?'
TOM CRUISE'S UNITED ARTISTS
NEXT FILM TO BE DOCUMENTARY
STARRING KATIE HOLMES
HOUSE PANEL ASKS 'WHAT TIME IS IT?'
WHITE HOUSE INTROS COLOR CHART TO COORDINATE SCANDALS
VISITORS FLOCK TO OPENING OF
GRAND CANYON SKYWALK
EXECUTION OF SADDAM'S CAT SAID
TO BE LAST HANGING OF REGIME
ANTI-WAR PROTESTERS SET SIGHTS ON 'UNNECESSARY' TUG-OF-WAR
OVER-STRETCHED ARMY CONSIDERED
'TOO THIN' BY PEOPLE MAGAZINE
COMPANY SAYS 'HAPPY COINCIDENCE' SALMONELLA TURNED PEANUT BUTTER GREEN ON ST. PATTY'S DAY
FANBOY INTENT ON MARRYING
NEW R2-D2 MAILBOX
MCCAIN'S 'STRAIGHT TALK EXPRESS'
BLOCKED BY 'TALK TO THE HAND' CONSERVATIVES
KHALID ADMITS TO KILLING
SUPER MARIO, STEALING HIS IDENTITY
JOLIE TAKES ADVANTAGE OF COSTCO
BULK ADOPTION SPECIAL
FORECLOSURES AT RECORD PACE
OLD WOMAN DEFAULTS ON SHOE
VIACOM SUES GOOGLE FOR BILLION $
...OR 219 GOOGLE SHARES
CONFUSED IAEA CHIEF ACCIDENTALLY SHOWS UP FOR WORK AT IKEA
DISNEY LAUNCHES WEBSITE FOR MOMS INTROS NEW MILFY MOUSE CHARACTER
BUSH SR. TREATED FOR 'DEHYDRATION'
FRIENDS SAY HIS PARTYING HAS
'GOTTEN OUT OF CONTROL'
HALIBURTON MOVES TO DUBAI --
VP CHENEY VOWS TO MAKE
LONG-DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WORK
